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The following is a short story written by (insert name) (your own if you like it, your worst enemy's if not). It should be read with a light-hearted approach.

The story is (circle one) a] non-fiction b] fiction. Please feel free to insert any name you prefer when the story suggests you do. Now, the story.

(insert title)

One day around (insert time) I was at home with my (circle one) a] boyfriend b] girlfriend c] unknown, and we were (circle one) a] making love b] doing it c] fucking d] having sex e] enjoying each other's company. We had one of those cute little sex guides that read something like (circle one) a] "Kissing is an excellent form of foreplay to arouse one's partner." b] "Insert tab A into slot B.", when guess who came over? Need I say more?

Ernie was peering over me and (insert name) and said (circle one) a] "Sorry." b] "Oops!" c] "Nice bed." d] "Isn't that counter cold?" e] "Careful with that can opener." f] any combination of the above.

I was a little bummed and shocked at his remark(s). So I got dressed, went into the living room, and had a beer with Ernie. He said, "I hate (insert least-favorite beer)." I said, "Well, I like (insert favorite beer)." Then we both said, (circle one) a] in unison b] poorly synchronized "Thank (insert a god) we're drinking (insert a third brand of beer)!"

Then Ernie asked me if we were using a (insert favorite condom brand).

I replied (circle one) a] "Yes." b] "Hell yes!" c] "Damn right." d] "Most certainly." e] "Of course." f] "Always do." g] "I'd be a moron not to." h] "No." Then my (refer to earlier multiple choice) walked into the room.

Ernie commented on (his/her) legs. I'm proud of them, too, so I didn't mind the remark. So then I recommended Ernie and I go to the park. He agreed, as usual.

Ernie and I were sitting in (insert a park name) watching the kids play on the swings and things. We were drinking (insert a non-alcoholic beverage) (please note: non-alcoholic due to a public place) and eating (insert food), when Ernie spotted this kid who had fallen from the monkey-bars. He ran over to help the kid out, and discovered the kid was all right. The mother came along and thanked Ernie. I was a little surprised to learn that Ernie was so kind-hearted. Then I said, "Let's go get some (circle one) a] ice cream." b] hot dogs." c] pizza." d] shrimp."

Ernie said, "Splendid idea." We finished the before mentioned food, when...

(choose one) a] end the story here (If chosen, move on to End Sequence) b] press on for more plot (If chosen, proceed to Prelude to End Sequence).

Prelude to End Sequence:
...this woman next to us started choking. We could tell because (circle one) a] she had her hands on her throat. b] she was turning blue. c] both. Fortunately, Ernie knew the Heimlich maneuver and saved the woman's life. Yet again, I was surprised. Ernie was such a concerned citizen. She thanked him, and...

End Sequence:
...we ended up at my place, where I congratulated Ernie on his impressive kindness to society.

Now you the reader have come to (circle one) a] THE END b] To be continued... c] end of chapter one d] end of chapter four e] Epilogue (write your own)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Below is a disclaimer. I recommend signing it.


I, (insert name), read this story only because I was (circle one) a] held at gun point b] tied to a chair c] given a million dollars by (insert your favorite terrorist group or millionaire). I, (insert name), just wanted to get that straight.



©1997, Merriel Patrick Ebright
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