The Stagnant Life
It's Monday night, around eight, and I'm sitting in a public place.
Waiting for you know who to pop up unexpectedly. He's going to be here any minute, I can
feel it. I'm waiting for him to walk up behind me and say "Boo," and then to embarrass me in
front of everyone. Then he'll probably sit down and spill soda all over the table and offer me a
half-eaten candy bar. I wish he would get here soon and get this over with.
Oh, look! It's my gorgeous girlfriend. "Sit down," I say. She does, and we talk. I keep
looking over my shoulder to see Ernie walk up on us, be he doesn't. My girlfriend looks at me
funny and I explain I'm waiting to be terrorized by Ernie. She says she doesn't want to see him
and quickly gets up to leave.
I say, "Wait, don't leave me to face him alone." She blows me off and grumbles something. I
want to follow but I can't. There's no point. He'll find me anyway. He always does. I'm
just going to sit here and wait it out.
Then my best friend shows up and we talk. He asks, "Why do you look so nervous?" and I
explain. "Later, dude," is his reply.
"But wait, Best Friend. Don't leave me." He says, "I'll call you." This is too much. Ernie
had better get here soon.
Then my mom and dad show up. What an unexpected surprise. They even have a box of
mom's homemade cookies. Wow! Then I remember how much Ernie likes them, so I start eating
them fast, because I don't want him to get his grubby hands on them. My mom says, "Slow down,
"I can't, mom," I reply. "Ernie will be here soon." Mom and dad look at me and say, "Son,
we love you, but... We gotta go. We'll take the cookies, too. We're not supporting Ernie's
I'm depressed. Let down. Disappointed. It's been four hours. No Ernie.
Now my dog comes running by. Good ol' dog. My trusty dog. He'll love me.
No, wait! How did he get out of my house? He runs up to me, barks, pisses on my leg, and
then runs away. I can't take this anymore!
I run home, I go inside, and...
There's Ernie sitting on my couch with twenty empty beer cans on the coffee
table. He looks up at me and says, "Where have you been for the past four hours? I let myself in.
The dog kept barking at the door, so I let him out. Oh, and your mom left her homemade cookies
on your doorstep. But don't worry, I didn't say anything, so she doesn't know I'm here."
This is all I can take, so I'm going back to the public place and write all about it.